Last night I couldn't go to sleep, so my mind drifted to the events of that day, and I thought about the post I recently wrote for a friend's website, where I mentioned the dress Melania Trump wore when she married the Donald.
Now I know this is old news, and I know I am already diverging from my new theme of wedding fodder entirely from Craigslist, but I just can't help but address some questions to Mr. Dior and Mrs. Trump:
1) Mr. Dior, I do not know much about you, but having spent a few minutes on your website and being entirely confused by your navigation, (which was nevertheless entirely uppity) I know see that you are not into the "clean and simple" school of design. What is going on with the bottom of that dress? There are ruffles, and what looks like crystal designs, and folds, and all kinds of fashiony add-ons I do not even know the names of. I know that the Donald likes to make a statement, but what exactly is this dress saying? "I have bought every single inch of white fabric made during 2005"? Is it a version of "Where's Waldo" and whoever finds Melania in all those folds wins?
2) Again to Mr. Dior: reportedly, this dress weighs 50 pounds. Were you aware that it was intended to be worn, and not just worn, but I guess, in this case dragged, down the aisle by an actual human being, who is not a champion body builder? Are you attempting to comment on the state of our society by encouraging women to exercise so they too can attempt to wear a 50 pounder down the aisle? Was there enough room under all those folds for someone to run along with Melania and help her carry the dress? Are there pockets in there somewhere for her to keep a tissue to wipe off the exercise sweat?
3) To Melania (aka Mrs. Trump the third): Can I have your trainer's phone number? (He has to be good if you are in such good shape you could wear that dress-even if it was just during the ceremony).
4) To Melania and Mr. Dior: It is also reported that the dress had a 13-foot train. Were there little wheels attached to the train to help it roll down the aisle? Did the Trumps save loads of cash on clean up fees for the ceremony because the veil was so large it was also used as an automatic aisle sweeper when Melania went back and forth?
5) To Melania: Clearly, you are a beautiful woman. Did you ever consider that maybe less is more? Maybe a dress that accentuates your beauty instead of competes with it for attention?
But you know Mr. Trump, Melania, and Mr. Dior, I kind of understand the sentiment-when my father finally made it big in America, he told me his new mantra was: "eat a lot, drink a lot, everything a lot." You guys sure took that to heart.
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